Real Senseless

The other day, the cleaning routine I knew and loved was rocked to it’s very core.

I subscribe to Real Simple magazine and as I was delighting in my latest issue, an insert fell out. Turns out it was a handy-dandy pamphlet meant to assist people with cleaning their homes. It is actually titled “Speed Cleaning: The Best Time-Saving Tips & Techniques”. Me, being the clean freak that I am, was excited. I opened it up and began reading feverishly and I immediately felt shocked. Their list of “to do’s” was daunting. I, apparently, am not the cleaning expert I once considered myself to be. Everyone who has seen my home/car/desk at work remarks of it’s well organized and utmost tidy nature. They will be as shocked as I to discover how truly slovenly I am, according to Real Simple’s guidelines. Prepare yourself (and your paltry housekeeping skills) to feel rather inadequate. Read on!

Living Area To Do List

EVERY DAY: Pick up crumbs and dust bunnies with a handheld vacuum. Fluff the cushions and fold throws after use, straighten coffee table books and magazines. Throw away newspapers. Put away CD’s and videos. (So far, so good, right?)

EVERY WEEK: Dust all surfaces including electronics, books, blinds, picture frames, windowsills and ledges, tops of door frames (!!!!! EVERY WEEK!!!!!) and remove all cobwebs. Dust-mop the floors with a microfiber cloth or a Swiffer, or vacuum the rugs and carpeting. Vacuum the upholstery. Throw out old magazines. Wipe the switch plates, doorknobs and doorjambs. Wipe and disinfect the telephone. Shake out or vacuum the doormat. Vacuum the heating and A/C vents.

EVERY SEASON: Wash the insides of the windows. Lift big pieces of furniture and vacuum or mop underneath.

Ok, so far nothing too crazy. Keep going.

Bathroom To Do List

EVERY DAY: Wipe out the sink. Wipe the toilet seat and rim. Swoosh the toilet bowl with toilet brush (yes – they wrote ’swoosh’). Wipe the mirror and faucet. Squeegee the shower door. Spray the entire shower and curtain liner with shower mist after every use.

EVERY WEEK: Scrub the tub. Scrub the tiles. Mop the floor. Wipe the switch plates, doorknobs, and doorjambs. Empty and wipe out the waste basket.

EVERY SEASON: Take down the shower curtain and launder it according to care instructions. Empty, weed and clean the medicine cabinet.

Bedroom To Do List

EVERY DAY: Make the bed. Fold or hang clothing and put away jewelry. Straighten out the night table surface.

EVERY WEEK: Change the sheets. dust all surfaces – including electronics, books, picture frames, windowsills and ledges, and tops or door frames – and remove all cobwebs. Dust or mop the floors or vacuum carpeting. Throw out old magazines. Wipe the switch plates, doorknobs and doorjambs. Wipe and disinfect the telephone. Empty the wastebasket. Vacuum the heating and A/C vents and inside the closet.

EVERY SEASON: Wash the insides of the windows. Strip the bed and flip the mattress. Launder the mattress pad and dust ruffle.

Now here comes my favorite part of the article – la cucina!

Kitchen To Do List

EVERY DAY: Wipe down the sink after doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher. Wipe down the stove top. Wipe down the counters. Sweep, Swiffer or vacuum the floor. (Yes folks – EVERY DAY they are instructing you to sweep and vac the floor!?!?!?!? Who gets that much food on the floor that this would be a daily requirement?)

EVERY WEEK: Mop the floor. Wipe the cabinets, back-splashes and appliances. Wash the dish rack. Wipe the switch plates and phone. Wipe the inside of the garbage can. (Can ANYONE say they have actually wiped down the inside of their trash can??? Ever? Maybe once if something spilled or you barfed in it, but every week just for ‘upkeep’???? Come on.)

EVERY SEASON: Empty and scrub down the inside of the fridge. Empty and clean the insides of utensil drawers. Scrub down the cupboard exteriors. Clean the stove hood filter.

Is anyone else feeling like the laziest mofo in town, or is this article just expecting too much from us? I shared this little instructional cleaning insert with my mom AKA Mrs. Clean, and she was appalled. Clearly this is for people with no other daily duties like working or eating, who are possibly self-medicating with a vairety of uppers. I’m going to stick with my normal cleaning routine and throw this pamphlet in the garbage can – and not even wipe it out first. :)